Memo to Sharp Nigerian Babes: 'Don’t Come & Suffer In Jand!
Post was written by Ruonah Agbroko Meyer.
Dear Nigerian girls, it’s time to wake up and smell the kunu! Why?
Because many of your predecessors now litter the streets, parties,
churches and workplaces of London complaining to everyone, including
complete strangers, about how they were tricked by men into “coming to
suffer in jand.”
This is one area where ignorance is grief, not bliss. And so, if you
have a bobo in Jand who is asking you to come over and join him in
paradise, here are specific signs you have to look for, to be sure that
his net worth equals his current bed-worth.
He says he lives in London; don’t get all relaxed because no be like
dat. Ask him where exactly, and try to visit, or ask him to show you
around via Skype. If he lives in a council flat you’ll know; they often
look somewhat like 1004 flats, with none of the prestige or famous
tenants like Tiwa Savage. If you visit and discover that the area smells
then it is likely to be a council flat because, often, the trash is
never collected on time.
Now go inside. If the guy says he lives alone, look about for his
pictures. If there are none and if the guy isn’t comfortable showing you
the kitchen on Skype, or he leads you to chill in the room throughout
your stay, then he is in a glorified “room-and-parlour” situation, aka
flat-share.
Electricity bills are also important. If you see none, then “there is a
problem.” It means your boo is definitely sharing the flat with others
and therefore they pay for electricity using a pre-paid stick, just like
a recharge card. The problem with this is that you may marry into that
house and one day, while you are having a bath the light, water and
everything else will go off because your oga or flatmates cannot pay.
Even worse is if your oga-to-be has no flatmates but decides to use a
pre-paid stick; that definitely confirms he is Ebenezer Scrooge. Be
wise. So that cold no go kill you. Ehen, here is a picture of the stick
and payment cards, so you can recognise it if you see it in his flat or
in a picture.
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| pre-paid stick |
In my dating years I avoided guys who didn’t have Cable TV. Don’t judge
me biko. Who would you encourage your daughter to date; someone who has
StarTimes or someone who has DSTV?
Oho!
In Jand, the equivalent of DSTV is Sky TV – full Sky subscription costs
£807 annually. Any guy willing to shell that out is a keeper; he
appreciates the finer things of life, and the channels will keep you
busy and happy when you move to Jand. You’ll still be able to watch
Keeping Up With The Kardashians and TLC.
But be aware, there is a cheaper Sky subscription, which doesn’t give
you movies and sports, costing £258 annually. Give such guys a miss and
take the man who has Virgin Media TV with TiVo because this is better,
even if with fewer channels. The best men use the full package of
broadband and telephone calls – it shows they don’t do things by half.
So when you relocate, you won’t suffer from lack of internet and can
update your Facebook and Instagram every second with those
#IwokeUpLikeThis selfies.
Again, here is a picture of the distinctive Sky box and remote control to help your hustle.
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| Sky box |
*In addition, steer clear of guys who only watch “catch-up TV” on their
iPads. It shows they don’t even have a TV, much less Sky at home. RUN
from a guy who has letters warning him he will be prosecuted for not
paying his TV license. These types are either illegal immigrants hoping
to soon disappear from their current address or worse; they own flat
screen TVs and use Sky but won’t pay for a TV license because as ELdee
warned us already; all na wash. Remove those Louboutins and…TAKE OFF.
Forget passports; visas can be faked. To get an accurate grasp of his
immigration status and living arrangements, say you want to send him a
letter from Nigeria and get his address. Once you have a postcode, you
can search online on the electoral roll (our voters’ register in Jand)
to see if the guy lives alone, or is shacking up with someone else (real
wife or flatmate).
Why the electoral roll? Because it not only confirms the address, it
shows that the bobo has some claim to Jand. To be on the electoral roll,
you have to be a British citizen or a UK resident. Even better is to
google the dates of elections in Jand and ask him in conversation if he
will vote, then proceed to shriek with delight and tell him to take a
selfie with his letter of notification. If you are visiting, sift
through his post…you will see such documents and then you can breathe.
Finally, take note during those long calls he makes to you in Nigeria
where he says he loves you more than his mother. If he continues to
complain about “network,” innocently ask him what service provider he
uses. If he says 02, Vodafone, EE then all is well. The minute he says
“Lebara,” then be aware you may have a stingy cheapskate on your hands.
Lebara is some provider that gives free minutes to Nigeria and is
basically for the masses, who only tolerate the shitty network because
of the “1,000 free minutes.” If he is so keen on CUTTING COSTS that he
sticks with Lebara then he is probably CUTTING SHOWS and using the free
minutes to call other ladies because they do free minutes to Ghana as
well. Just saying.
And regarding the actual handset, be wary of any guy who visits Nigeria
with tons of phones for sale, which all need unlocking. Clearly he has
taken out numerous contracts on those phones and is living off credit.
The best kind of guys in jand buy their gadgets upfront, with no fuss, no debt. You gerrit?.
If you visit, check for such contracts and bills. You might as well keep
an eye out for bank statements because you can’t go wrong with those.
Again, you can also quickly look at the type of grocery bags in the
house. If they are from Waitrose and M&S, then marry the guy. If his
bags show he shops at ASDA and Morissons, there’s potential. For those
who only shop at Poundland and Iceland, I suggest you do an Usain Bolt,
except you are NOT allergic to poverty
So, there you have it, ladies. You can see that I have gone to great
detail to save you lot from all these wash-wash jand guys. Don’t be
fooled by their fresh skin (the weather gives it to us all for free) and
don’t get carried away by their pot-bellies straining against TM Lewin
shirts (food is cheap and they wait till TM Lewin does sales).
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