Like
me, I bet you've all run around with your bathing towels wrapped above
your shoulders like a cape and pretended to be Superman (and if you
haven't then it's never too late!). Ever since I was a little brat I
wanted to take to the skies. Air travel is the next best thing and I'm
always looking forward to having a glass plastic cup of ice-cold apple
juice which always tastes better at 10,000 feet. What could possibly
disrupt this moment of long-awaited bliss? Cue the Nigerians... On my
recent return trip from New York alone I encountered 7 annoying things
Nigerians did on the plane:
1. Securing beds...in Economy Class! There's a game Nigerian passengers play whenever they're on-board a semi-full airplane - It's kind of similar to Musical Chairs...but without the music. Passengers snub the seats assigned to them and scout for a stretch of three to four empty seats before take-off. Handbags and other luggage items are strategically placed on empty seats in the hope for that Business Class experience - pathetic.
2. Making dramatic Nollywood scenes.
Whoever said 'Rules are meant to be broken' must have been a Nigerian.
We're pretty damn good at breaking rules...into smithereens, just for
good measure. There was one woman sat at the front of economy class with
her less-than-a-year-old baby. She put her baby down on the empty seat
next to her when the seat belt light was off (not sure if that's proper
in the first place but I'll let her off on that one). The moment the
seat belt light was back on, however, one of the air hostesses called
her to order and told her to strap her baby in place - RED ALERT! RED
ALERT! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! You knew from the way the irritated mother
turned her neck with that 'oh-no-you-didn't' expression all over her
face that cabin pressure was under serious threat. Needless today she
told the air hostess to mind her own business - ironically, that's what
the air-hostess was trying to do in the first place...Safety of
passengers...DUH! I can't remember if the thud I heard later on was due
to turbulence or because the baby had rolled off the chair...
3. Taking pictures. You
can imagine trying to enjoy a good book when suddenly the corner of
your eye picks up the flash photography of some newbie whose obviously
hell-bent on convincing everyone back in Nigeria that he/she indeed
travel abroad. Newsflash! There may be people with photosensitive
epilepsy on-board or nearby pilots wondering if there is a terrorist
hijacking, with one unfortunate Nigerian who decided to break one simple
rule 'DON'T MOVE!' (go figure!)
4. Farting. It's
bad enough you left your assigned seat at the front and decided to come
behind me and stretch yourself across four empty seats. Now you're so
generous as to share your flatulence with me in small doses of
ammonia-laced farts...not a one-off...periodic discharges which could
catch choke me unawares if I dare yawn. FYI, avoid fizzy drinks on the
plane if you know you can't handle your abdominal tract like few pros
among us.
5. Drink to stupor. Is it the sheer pettiness of wanting to get one's money's worth that would make a passenger drink like a fish? (Remember, its Nigerians we're talking about here). Of course, it's not the drinking that bothers me but the mindless banter and laughter at completely 'unfunny' things that drives me up the Berlin wall (just like that - after a couple of drinks you'd be in stitches when you read 'drive me up the berlin wall').
6. Leaving toilets unlocked. Common
sense consistently fails to prevail when most Nigerians use the
airline's restrooms. It all boils down to refusing to acknowledge the
instructions/directions carefully displayed all around them. It's quite
simple - you enter the restroom and close it behind you. Right there on
door is a slide lock which denotes 'Slide left to lock and right to
open'. Why wouldn't I be interested in making sure that no one
accidentally sees my 'bits'? Didn't they notice the green 'vacant' or
the red 'occupied' sign before entering the lavatory? At my last count
I've walked in on 3 unfortunate passengers who forgot to lock behind
(but they all did once I exposed them...makes you wonder, eh?).
7. Sitting ovation. I'm
not sure if you can relate but you're nearing your flight destination
and as soon as the plane lands successfully passengers around you start
to clap until virtually everyone joins in. Why are they doing this, you
ask? beats me - for landing safely or for not crashing into the deep
blue sea or for getting their money's worth after usurping the mini
bar...I dunno. The clapping is cheesy in my opinion. I'd much prefer
passengers go one by one to shake the pilot(s) for a job well done plane
well-landed.
And
coming in at a surprise number 8 is Irregular exercise. Make no mistake
about it, Nigerians are terrified about premature death, more so than
the average civilian (if that makes any sense). I've seen the most
bizarre repetitions performed from kicking mid-air to punching only your
left arm over the seat head in the same direction. Deep Vein thrombosis
is no laughing matter so I guess all I have to do is close my eyes next
time if I don't want to behold seemingly amateurish 'Kung-fu'.
See you on the next flight and God help you if you're sitting next to me, lol.
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